— I was looking through many of my dependencies, and by going to early childhood memories, found the attachment that hooks me more than anything.
I was writing down the webinar and asked husband for help. And asking for such a simple favor made me nauseated, almost turned my insides out. I decided to get to the root cause of it. It turns out that if I can’t do something on my own and it is crucially important for me to ask somebody for help, tremendous resistance appears inside me to verbalize it. In connection with it, I remember that my father exhibit exactly the same behavior. He starts by doing something for another, making him dependent. For example, he created a website for me that I did not ask him to do. The site is quite a complicated venture that only he can maintain. I became dependent on his help. And when I turn to him now asking for help, he tells me that it is not a right time or that he does not want to do it. By saying that, he creates a feeling of guilt in me. This feeling appears in relationship to my dependency. In childhood I felt guilty based on the very fact of my existence, thinking that my living made their life miserable. It so happened that my parents were married because my mother got pregnant by me.
So, my father creates dependency in order that I had a need for him. And in my own family, I do the same. My behavior is similar to his.
— You said that parents got married because you were born. Based on this fact you started to feel guilty. Take another look at your parents’ situation. Your birth let them find an escape goat and the reason to get married. They needed you. Without you they would not be able to do so. Look now who needed who? I am not saying that you do not need them, but I show you another side that you did not see. What is the degree of their need in you? It is not any smaller than your need in your parents.
Further, you say that father made a website that only he can operate, and when you ask him for help, he replies: “I can’t do it now.”
— He gets irritated. He does it but in the process he gets very irritated telling me all about it. And he does it without any desire to do so. That is what upsets me the most.
— And take a look at how you appeared into this world. Do you see the similarity? Does it have the same essence?
— Yes, looks like it is similar.
— Yes, she is born. What do we do now? As long as she was born, we would have to feed her and take care to bring her up. And father manifests it in all his relations with you. This is the program which was given, and now everything follows the same pattern.
— During childhood I considered myself to be a victim, enjoying this state, feeling pity for myself, observing from the outside how it looks, considering others should feel pity for me. And now I entered this state again, even though I try to suppress this state of victim harshly.
— The victim state can lead one to compassion, while the state of the oppressor cannot. Experiencing the role of the victim happens to be one of the most important prerequisites to understanding oneself. It does not mean that feeling of sacrifice guarantee this understanding. It is a mandatory, but not sufficient prerequisite. I would tell you about myself. I went through this hard way. Without it I would not be able to understand what I am discussing now. It is very difficult, but necessary experience. I want to underline that it was your soul that chose this experience. You were born in such circumstances in order to have this experience. And it was precisely that experience that brought you here – to School of Holistic Psychology. Be grateful for this experience and thank the Soul that planned it.
But now we are on the next step of development of our experiment, when we need to see and balance both the victim and the oppressor in ourselves. The sense of being a victim appears as a result of oppression. There is no other way, correct?
— It means there should be a rapist that rapes the victim and as a result victims feels as a victim. Now I want to balance it in you. I want to show you that your father, for example, who you can view as an oppressor happens to be a similar victim; your birth happened to be oppression for him.
— I am an oppressor. That is for sure.
— Now, looking at the situation from this point of view, you can start to balance and harmonize this internal, highly activated in you duality .
— There is something wrong here. I have a feeling of guilt again. I am an oppressor, but I am guilty nevertheless.
— It is impossible to stop the train that moves 200 miles an hour at once. Its inertia is high, and it would have to go a certain distance while the brakes are being applied. Because the speed of your train with the name “victim” is very fast and it carries a heavy load of experience, it would not stop immediately. It would take a while to slow down. But let’s try to decelerate this train for it to stop eventually. That is what I offer. Now I am discussing in details what needs to be done in order to complete this deceleration of the train with the name “victim.” I offer you to start seeing the oppressor in yourself, because that train moves with the same speed but in opposite direction.
— I need to see an oppressor in myself toward my father who I considered to be an oppressor.
— Lets start with your father because you just told us about him, but one would have to see it in relationship with other people, especially relatives.
— I can see it in relationship with close relatives. In certain situations I make close relatives dependent on me, and then push them away. I blame them for taking my time, for meddling in my life. I can see that I play the role of the oppressor.
— Exactly. And you do it using precisely the same mechanism. Why does one need to see the mechanism? Try to understand what I mean when I say: “Mechanism.” You have just described the mechanism your father used bringing you to a victim state. Now you use the same mechanism with other people, making them dependent on you.
— Exactly so. I see it now.
— So, you were taught this method, and now you successfully employ it.
— Yes, I do so, even though it is totally ineffective.
— No, it is very effective. Why do you minimize what your father passed on to you? That is why you cannot feel gratitude toward him. He taught you this method extremely well, and this is a very effective method. If it was not so effective, he would not have passed it to you. He passed the best he could; and you have already experienced its efficacy on your own. Look, this is a paradox. I offer you to thank your parents for everything you hate them for. But it should not be an affirmation: “Thank you dad for this and that.” You should really feel gratitude. Unusual 180 degree turn, isn’t it?
— Yes, from one side this is so. But from the other side, that feeling of guilt that is present, that I see, it is present because I mechanically apply this method.
— It is a great method for you to experience the feeling of guilt and victimization. You just told me you were reveling in this feeling of being a victim.
— But that was before.
— Wait. Wait. Not so fast. I have gone through this experience myself similarly reveling in it for decades. And who taught me this mechanism using which I can call in myself this intoxicating feeling of pity to myself? My parents. So, I feel great gratitude for this. If you revel in something, then understand that you are doing it thanks to the fact that you have been taught by your parents. Thank them, and not just formally, but thoroughly feel this gratitude. And you feel hatred toward them while you are reveling in this feeling of pity toward yourself.
— Consciously, I hear the voice of that victim in myself, that says:” You dummy, you pity yourself again? You yourself are to blame, so dug yourself out of this on your own.” Victim is slowly doing its job.
— You show how the internal war between the dual parts of your personality occurs; in this particular case between the victim and the oppressor. They continue to fight. And I offer you to transform this war into a partnership. But how can you transform a war into a partnership if you continue to blame yourself? And how can you stop this blame if you think that the part that you blame yourself for is nasty, filthy, loathsome, and horrible? If you think that way, the war would continue eternally. That what happens in all those spiritual movements under the slogan: “We would be better. We would be more spiritual, more loving, etc.” People continue to blame themselves. And do they get closer to God or using my terminology – transition to another level of consciousness? No, they do not. It means that whatever they use does not work. But take a look at the ardor with which they continue doing it, not seeing that it does not work. They want to continue working under the slogan: “We move toward love, awareness, happiness, etc.”
I show you the concrete instrument for the discontinuation of this fight. I offer you to feel the satisfaction from what you called nasty. I offer you to feel the satisfaction from your own victim, your own judgment and blame, because what you blame, you cannot investigate and would never investigate. How would you investigate it if you don’t even want to look at it? However, if you were to thank yourself for it, saying: “Yes, everything I think, experience and do – is right. I refuse to blame myself for it.” It does not mean that you would keep it. At first, you would start to see it. And when one sees it, it changes.
That is the only way toward your own Wholeness or one’s own assembling – to total acceptance of yourself in all aspects. You would not accept in yourself what you consider to be bad. This is the key concept. It is not simple to grasp it. One needs to apply efforts and to work a lot in order to stop blaming oneself considering something to be nasty in oneself. There is nothing nasty in you. Everything you ever did, thought, felt is right. This happens to be your way of moving toward yourself. But continuing to do so, you would prolong this way. You can do so, but I offer you the shortest way. In order to do so, you have to transfer to a different perception. You would not be able to investigate something in yourself that you consider to be bad and dirty. I repeat again, there is nothing bad in you, nothing that deserves disrespect. Everything that is present in a human being, and human being is created by God, is remarkable. Do you think that God would create something nasty; he would later turn away from? The Creator loves his creation. That is why it is said: “God is love.” God really loves everything.
We happen to be in a zone of free will. This is a very specific zone, where God allows everything. If he would not allow something “bad” to be here, do you think that “bad” would be here? No. Obviously not. God allowed that, he has his own considerations on this account, therefore we need that and this is good. I am offering you this as a mental concept. But you need to feel it. That is precisely because you feel you are loathsome, you cannot thank God for your being. But then you would blame your creator for making you the way you are. But he did not create you bad. God created you the way you suppose to be in order to move toward next level of consciousness.
Closed in the sphere of ego that constantly blames itself you would never see the light at the end of the tunnel. You would never feel gratitude toward your parents, through whom the dual program was given, and through them to the Supreme Aspect that send you with this program, and at eventually to the Creator of everything that exists.
Here is the chain that can lead you to a state of gratitude. But if you would not be grateful to your parents, you would not be grateful to God. This is an important point.
The state of gratitude is the result of our work here on becoming aware of personality program. That would be the emotional confirmation of completion of your work on awareness of yourself. But now we need to walk toward it, and it is not a simple road. We would be faced with a next puzzle. We would not be left without puzzles, trust me. But one cannot jump over it. There is a puzzle, and until you solve it, you would not get to the next one.
— I understand. Thank you. It is very important for me to see the big aim.
— I observe that I have such a quality in me as self-punishment. I physically hurt myself. I was walking and thinking that it would be better if I was hurt by those people that see my dualities. It would be better to be punished by them. Minute later it occurred to me: “Why do I say that?” and right away, in a bright daylight I was approached by a young man who tells me:” We just arrived to this town and one man owns us a lot of money, but we don’t have any money to fill up the car. Can you lend us some?” And immediately the situation turns as he says: “Give us money fast!” I suddenly realize that I am being mugged. I was just thinking and wishing that someone punished me, and instantly someone appears that is ready to do it. I had such a desire to punish myself that – here you go…
— Exactly. While you feel guilty, you would attract the oppressors to punish you. Look at the level of guilt we all carry. It is huge, we just don’t see it. And then we get amazed that those oppressors mug and rape us in a brought daylight. But we attract them. And until we see how we attract them and with what, we would continue to do so.